Personal Rant

I sometimes feel that people do not understand me or even take me seriously when I tell them I have problems. It is unfortunate when they have to give me their personal view on how I should live or have lived my life. 

"If I were your parents, I would have kicked your ass out of the house at 19."

I only recently heard someone say that, but I have had that particular quote thrown at me time and time again from ignorant people who fail to understand why I am the way I am. Now, I have a great tolerance against a great many things. I am not easily offended. But things like that really do set me off.

I have heard people tell me, in consolation, that I am just as normal as everyone else. "Everybody has problems".  Unfortunately, that does nothing to help me in the least. Not everyone has my problems. I know for a fact that not everyone had trouble in school. School was a hellish nightmare for me, that IS an underexaggeration. I cannot bring myself to describe how horrible it really was.

Sure, almost every kid goes through school with hatred for it. But my feelings go far beyond hatred. It is the incidents that happened to me during my 12 year nightmare. I will share a couple of these incidents that I recently shared with my friend Mike; they are a few of my most traumatic ones.

I should start out by mentioning that I do not function very well(meaning at all) around unfriendly people. When I say I do not function, I am referring to locking up, or just walking away from whatever is causing me to not function.

I despise organized physical sports. I believe it is how people react to me when they think the execution is obvious and I do not. Phys Ed, for example, was my most hated cirriculum in school. The people; Teachers and students alike, drove me insane. In 4th grade there was a day that we started the  basketball classes. I never played basketball before that point. The teacher and my peers assumed I knew how. When I asked how, they gave me a  very poor rundown of it. I tried, decided I didn't like it, and walked away from it. The principle was called in who, summarily, told me to go to his office. I refused, seeing no need. Well, he dragged me, by my feet, out of the room while I clung to the edges of the doorway for dear life. I have feared and loathed P.E. from that day onward.

People wonder why my self-esteem is so low.  My fellow peers cheer on the fat kid with head gear, and bulging eyes when he tries to make a basket and misses it entirely. But as soon as I step up, I get jeering. It doesn't help when the instructor stands by chuckling to himself.

I've had similar experiences in school later on, and eventually the school basically decided to label myself as a deviant. I was lobbed into the class with all the "bad" kids, which did not help in any way. I did not function in those classes either; I was surrounded by very unfriendly people. So what was their answer? They put me into the class with all of the down syndrome kids. Apparently, the teachers thought I was mentally retarded and figured I was accidentally put into the normal classes. Figures they didnt bother to inform me or my parents beforehand.

I know there are things wrong with me, but the school did absolutely nothing to facilitate or try to help out in any of those areas. In retrospect, they most likely made things worse.

The only good thing that ever happened to me in school was in 5th grade. End of the year, I had gotten a straight A report card. That was the first, last, and only good thing to ever happen during all 12 years of school.

Asperger's Syndrome has taken its toll on me. I feel many people believe that I use AS as a scapegoat to be they way that I am. I do NOT take advantage of my problems. For instance, I do not sit and home 24/7 because I want to, all the while saying that I have issues therefore I can't function like everyone else so I can just sit here and play games all day. If I could, I would most definitely not be sitting here every day all day for years. But at this point in time, I am mentally unprepared to do much else. It is not by choice, or the disillusion of choice.

So I suppose the only thing left to say is, the way you live your own life, or rather, the way you feel that I should live my own life is NOT necessarily the best way. Your opinions are, more often than not, based upon your own pseronal experiences that do not relfect upon my own experiences.

It's affecting my spelling!

I saw her on the corner when I awoke one morning. She just appeared out of nowhere. Her skin was sleek and smooth. Her curves, perfect. I wondered who she was or when she arrived. But I knew... oh yes, I knew. I knew she was something special. And I knew she would be mine.

I walked outside to see if anyone else noticed her. I saw a man who looked like he knew something about her. I inquired about where she came from. He said he just dropped her off and she'll be ready in a few weeks. Ready, you say? Hmmmm. He went on to explain that she was the fastest thing you ever experienced. Ready and fast? Oooh, I was starting to like this one.

She stayed there all day, not making a sound. the only movement I saw was her sway from the occasional breeze that came through. Strands of her beautiful, glistening extensions seemed to almost wave in my direction, as if beckoning to come for a closer look. But I was apprehensive. What if I could not afford her goods?  I would not want to get attached only to find my love could not be quenched. 

I talked to the man once more. He mentioned how cheap she was to use. I knew then, she was within my grasp. Days went by, and I lust for her ever the more. I glanced out my window every 5 minutes it seemed. Becoming obsessive. I read of other peoples experiences with her, and I was excited. I couldn't bear it any longer. But I knew she wouldn't give herself to me until she was ready. I could plug in, but nary an emotion would be felt. None, besides sadness and despair of course.

And so I await the arrival of Fiber Optic Internet. My true love! Broadband is my prostitute. I will have her soon enough. Only $45 a month too! 15Mb down, 2Mb up. Hellz yeah.

Indescribable Verbiage

Superfluous imagination. A myriad of thoughts that come together to ultimately depict indescribable verbiage. A dream.

I awoke this morning, my thoughts provoked by my own subconscious reign in that black of night. What was so close felt so distant. As vivid as the sun itself, upon illumination was all but lost.

Who was that man? The hood, the glove, the sword; without a face. I shut my eyes trying to remember who he was. This dream; this myriad of thoughts, previously haunted my mind every night for 3 years. That was 2 and a half years ago. Why has it come back? The man. He was alone; was always alone. But in control.

As I said, it is indescribable. So vivid, yet so very distant. If I could not control my mind(if I were insane), I would almost believe what he told me. The same dream each night for 3 years. Who wouldn't believe it?

I would not even dare make mention of what he spoke of on this blog, to preserve my image as a 'sane' individual. =)

This blog is not public. I am only intending it for a select few. Please do not spread this around. Such verbiage is not meant for the general public =P

One stale twinkie

Ok so this blog has nothing to do with the title. I couldn't think of a title so I typed in the first thing I saw on my desk after shaking my head back and forth with my eyes closed and opening my eyes randomly. .... Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.

Right. So. We're gonna talk about stuff today. Stuff you say? Now way! I know, crazy right? The prance-around-in-front-of-the-mirror-wearing-a-suit-of-womens-skin-and-singing kind of crazy. .... Or not. Maybe just Ted Stevens crazy.  And man, Senator Stevens is one crazy sumbish, lemme tell ya. "The internet is a series of tubes!" He needs to be shot. Among other things, of course. Ok, I got a little side tracked there.

I don't think anyone regularly reads this blog so I could prolly say whatever I please. I find it quite amusing when I tell people I'm autistic after knowing them for awhile. Some people go bug-eyed at me, others get scared that they said, or will say something wrong to offend me, heh.. And the rare few that say "cool". I tell some friends after getting to know them and get responses like "you're joking right?" or "get outta heeere". Silly people.

Like I have as my quote: I have Rainman beat.No, I'm no savant. Though I've never taken an official I.Q. test, that I know of at least, I'm pretty sure it would be in the upper ranges. But, as I still believe, I.Q. tests... Hell, tests in general prove nothing. Well they do show some strengths but they should not be held in such high respect as they are. Tests are not an exact science. Ok, got side tracked again.

Hmm I am a bit too tired to type atm. I'll have to continue on into my personal experience with the mental condition another time. It's really interesting stuff. Even for myself. I analyze my condition from a 3rd person perspective a few times. But yeah. Until next time....






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Tips for Hardcore CS Players

CS players are unique, mostly in negative ways of course. They CAN be really nice people...OFFLINE. As the internet F***wad theory states: Give a normal person anonimity and an audience... and you get the ever-ready-to-call-you-an-assclown smacktard. Thats just how it is. I have yet to meet in-game a friendly, polite player who respects you.

I'm not saying this doesn't happen in other games. It does. ALOT....BUT the majority of people who are CS players still go ranting and raving about how CS is the best game in the world and no other game will ever be like it. Its friggin annoying. Lemme tell ya. Everyone has their own preferences. Don't shove your own down other peoples throats. I mean sure i'm gonna tell you I hate CS, but i'm not gonna tell you to hate it as well.


TIPS FOR CS PLAYERS:

1) When you feel the need to tell the world that CS is the best game in the world and always will be.... please do not hesitate to shove a rubber ball in your mouth and mumble incoherently.

2) Be NICE for a change. just because you may act like a retard in-game doesn't mean you have to be that way in forums or in chat.

3) Get over the fact that CS is not the ONLY good game in the world. There are plenty others....try broadening your horizons sometime.

DISCLAIMER: This message isn't being directed at specific people. This is simply a message going out to the general CS community. I have played CS so don't go telling me I don't know what i'm talking about. I've been there.

Blog bloggity bloggy blog

So I haven't posted a new blog in awhile. How bout that... But I don't know what to post about so I guess I'll just ramble on, pointlessly. You know... maybe I won't. Its easier for me to just refer you to my buddy mike's blogs:

Click Here Or You Shall Be Immolated

Dog Prophylactics?

My friend mike and I were talking about caffeinated products and he asks me about caffeinated condoms. So I google it and the first thing that comes up was Dog Condoms. They're seriously manufacturing DOG condoms..... get this:

"The condoms also come in lubricated and meat scented varieties to enhance pleasure for both dog partners."

But man it gets better... apparently they had to recall their initial batch of condoms because:

"The use of these recalled condoms may result in unwanted canine pregnancies. Additionally, meat-scented Dog Condoms may present a choking hazard, especially for smaller dogs."

Wow.

How To: Destroy The Earth

How To Destroy The Earth

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Wait, wait.... theres more... The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

On Dreams

I had a crazy dream the other night... yeah, I know most dreams are crazy, but this one was nuts. David Hasslehof was in it.

I can remember was me and some friends were on the beach and there was David Hasslehof, Ron Pearlman, and Harrison Ford with their shirts off. And they were glaring at us. Just standing there glaring. We knew they were going to kill us. So we ran over and lit their camp on fire. But it was a set up. they called the cops on us and accused us of arson. We tried to tell the cops the truth. I'm not sure what happened between that part and the next....

That same group of friends, who I still don't know who they were, were climbing up this ladder on the side of a building I think. I'm not really sure. It was a metal ladder and we were climbing in a very small bricked in space.. I don't know. It was weird. Not sure how we got from David Hasslehoff to that...ANYways...

Yeah I told you it was crazy. Usually my dreams are influenced by what I was doing or watching before i went to sleep. But I wasn't watching anything with David Hasslehof in it. I was playing Oblivion! Unless, that game has David Hasslehof subliminally projecting to your brain.

Juice concentrate, and the effect it has on chapped lips.

Ok so i'm here eating out of a can of one of those Tropicana frozen juice concentrate thingies. Just sitting here proverbially minding my own business. First, the conents:

Pineapple juice concentrate, banana puree, clarified pineable juice concentrate, orange juice concentrate, filtered water, lemon juice concentrate, and ascorbic acid

Secondly, I have had severely chapped lips for the past few days. The chappage managed to produce multiple cracks along my upper lip. Ever heard the expression, "pouring lemon juice/salt into the wound"? Theres a reason that it is often used in negative context.

So, have I learned my lesson? Sure have. Use chapstick.

EPIC

I originally wrote up a post about this in the FITES forums, so I will just do a good ol' ctrl+c, ctrl+v.


A buddy of mine was telling me about the "Google Empire" last night. He brought up some very strong points. Google could, in reality, take over the world. I don't know if anyone saw the flash movie EPIC a few years back. It is a fictional documentary about google centralizing all forms of media and communications. Well the first half of it is fact but the rest is theory :P

EPIC

They mention a fictional "Google Grid". They just got one step closer to that bit being true. Offering online storage. Thats nothing new really, but added to all of their features, its a powerful addition. I had mentioned to a few people the other day that my guess, is that Google has so much space that they have no clue really what to do with it all.

Aside from that, for those of you who don't know, Google has recently acquired most of the remaining dark fiber as explained in this article.

"They might wind up talking to infrastruture backbone companies such as Level 3 about peering services for what could be a new, de facto Internet."

Another interesting find. Google's new recruitment methods. Posting on a billboard out in Sillicon Valley, ""{first 10-digit prime found in consecutive digits e}.com." The answer, 7427466391.com, would lead a puzzle-sleuth to a Web page with yet another equation to solve, with still no sign the game was hosted by Google." as found here. Very unique and cool way to recruit. According to my friend Brian, they are sorting out and recruiting all the smart people for themselves.

Ok so Google has what seems to be unlimited amounts of storage, mass quantities of dark fiber, and smart people. :P Lets add the largest searchable database to that list.

To give an extra idea on how large google actually is, less than 10% of all searches performed in the last 3 years were pr0n related. Now, if you know anything about the net, basically everyone who surfs the net regulary looks for pron. To have it being in the lowest percentile ought to tell you something.

I spose I should emphasize that I, myself, do not strongly believe in the "Google taking over the world" theory... but it is interesting to think about hehe. iunno. thought i'd share that. *shrug*

Dragonforce

Ok, I'm not much for 80's style heavy metal.... but this stuff is just cool. Band called dragonforce...not from the 80's, they just like doing 80's style music for some reason. But the fact that they play in 32nd notes in every song is just mesmerizing. If you carry any shred of musical knowledge, you'll know 32nd notes is just plain insanity.

Dragonforce - Through Fire And Flames

Please note that yes, they do play live, and no, they dont synthesize the guitars. They will be touring the US(seeing as they are a UK-based band) this summer. Click Here for more info.

Pirates

Ok, we all know pirates are cooler than ninjas. But no one has really went into detail as to why. Most people screw up their face, stutter a bit and then end this horrible expressional ballet with a simple and very anti-climatic "they just are!".

Right. Silly people.

I will explain to you why pirates are, in fact, cooler than said ninjas:

I. The Gist(noun. syn. basis, bearing, bottom line, burden, core, drift, essence, force, heart, idea, import, kernel, keynote, marrow, etc.)

-Ninjas: Cool. Calm. Collected. They live in silence, are usually well-manered, and will annoy the hell out of you with their overwhelming silence. They will refrain from any acts of barbaric brutality, unless of course it will make them look cool with use of various camera techniques. They have a knack for the theatrical; to sneak up on you all sneaky-like.

-Pirates: Pillage. Plunder. Portside. They live for the very essence of crudeness. They WILL get their way, whether you like it or not. I can garuntee you won't. Loud and brash, Johnny Q Pirate is blunt and to the point. Never will he say excuse me lest it be in mockery of sorts. Unlike the ninja, the pirate undulges in barbaric brutality; the camera techiniques are just an added bonus. As with the ninja, the pirate has a knack for the theatrical, albeit swinging from ropes, walking planks, or even swashbucklling high ranking enforcement officials while drunk and winning.

There. I've done what most other people vocally stumble over. The above explanation is fact. Opinions aren't allowed in this blog. If you have a conflicting opinion with the aforementioned fact, please do not comment, for it will do you no good.

EDIT: A couple people have gotten ahold of me by other means and have brought to my attention that one could not comment even if they wanted to. I thought the message in the above paragraph was conveyed well enough to forego further translation...

Links: Good for the mind. Good for your browser cache

Awesome music and sweet website: Xploding Plastix

Real-Time CGI Fluid Effects Rendering: Flowlines

I have officially fallen in love with HDR, Soft shadowing, Parallax mapping, and UE3 in general: UE3

BBLean, the cleanest, fastest, and most programmable Windows shell replacement of all time: BBLean

Mice are for wimps. Enter the Trackball: The Supreme I/O

Despair Incorporated. Most humorous non-fiction corporation I've come across: Despair Inc.

Most impressive, and clean custom PC case mods I've seen in awhile: Envador Case Mods

That's all I have for now. cool stuff though.