My life has been ever problematic. When I take the time to sift through the memories that almost elude my reach, memories of childhood, I remember the difficulties I faced even though I did not immediately realize that I was most certainly different.
Pre-school. I remember very little. I remember I had one friend, the epitomical opposite of myself. Outgoing, brash, and never stopped talking. From my parents account, if a teacher said my name, I often closed my eyes and frose in whatever position I was in at the time, not moving until the teacher got fed up with me.
Elementary school. The nightmare begins here. Not really any isolated moments, but the entire duration of elementary was in a constant nightmarish state, which only got worse with each passing year. Second grade was a profound leap forward into the abyss. My dad got a new job in York, PA(about a 3 hour drive from Allentown, PA). He would commute to work every monday, and would come home every following friday night. This continued into the 4th grade. During that time period, my homework and class participation went from almost none to absolute zero. I do not remember much, but I do remember not being happy.
4th to 8th grade. The nightmare ended; The reality of the nightmare began. This may be the worst section of my educational experience. This section is devoted to my peers. Family changes may have been the catalyst of my previous nightmare. In November of the 4th grade, we had moved closer to York; Mechanicsburg, PA. New school. New peers. New Horrors. It is incredible how much of a difference in attitudes that you see from inner-city kids to suburbians. That kind of stuck-up attitude. "You're drawing that wrong", "you don't know long division?", "what do you mean you don't know how to play baseball?". Kids yelling at me. Constantly being punished for not doing things I didn't know how to do. Never being explained anything to me. And most of all, being dragged out of the all-purpose room, clinging to the door, whilst the principal tugs at my feet and the entire gym class is laughing at me. All becuase I refused to play an activity I did not enjoy nor even see the purpose of doing. 1 year over, 4 more to go. I almost didn't make it.
6th to 8th grade was the most helpless struggle I have ever experienced in my life. And it was helpless. So many wrongs existed with so little rights. Always being the first to get blamed, always being accused, fucking ALWAYS doing something WRONG, even when I was trying to do everything in my power to do something RIGHT. Always singled out, when they knew that is exactly what I feared the most. And none of the teacher ever got my name right!! How hard is it, seriously? Jordan Cain. What is it again? Jason? Jared? Jordon? Jordan Rink? Jason Coin? What the heck, people!
Highschool. Reality settled in, the hellhole brought its teeth to bear. Just to clarify, these comparisons of diabolic proportions are not to overdramaticize my experiences. When I say highschool was a seethingly hellish experience, I'm not joking. If anything, that is a terrible understatement. The antagonist here had a role reversal from the last section. The teachers and the school administration were the enemy here. I made quite a few friends in highschool than I had in middleschool or elementary(though my friends I made in elementary did save my sanity at least). The teachers were really out to get me here. Perhaps only 2 or 3 of them were of any help, and saw my plight for what it was. The rest saw my quiet nature as defiance. As if I may be undermining their roles as the authority figure in the classroom or some crap. I spoke when I had something to say. When I didn't have anything to say or didn't know what they were asking, I usually just sat in silence, which seemed perfectly logical to me. Apparently, it doesn't work like that. If you talk too much, they look to you as disruptive. If you hardly ever talk at all, they look to you as disruptive. The teachers purposefully called on me even when I didn't have my hand rasied. I would have figured that they'd learn that when I knew the answer I'd, raise my hand. If I didn't know, I wouldn't. So calling on me when I didn't have my hand raised seems a little pointless, I think.
9th grade signaled the year of my nervous breakdown. It took me 'till mid-11th grade to recover from that. I broke down 2nd week of 9th grade, I didn't attend a full period of a class until 10th grade. I had to take summer school for the 11th grade, during which time, my summer school teacher asked my parents if I had down syndrome. O_o 12th grade was horrid. A torrent of nastiness directed squarely at myself. Graduation was THE MOST happiest day of my life. But for all of the hardships I endured during my time in school, I have no doubt it was as hard or harder on my parents.
4 years since I graduation from highschool. I am a long-time attendee of Pennsylvania's largest LAN group, in which I am very active in. I just started going back to school at the local community college for a couple classes. Hell, I deserved a 4 year break after my foray with the public school system. I am no longer as shy as I used to be, and my social skills have gone up dramatically. I am, in essence, a new person.
Things are moving, but slowly.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Personal Rant
I sometimes feel that people do not understand me or even take me seriously when I tell them I have problems. It is unfortunate when they have to give me their personal view on how I should live or have lived my life.
"If I were your parents, I would have kicked your ass out of the house at 19."
I only recently heard someone say that, but I have had that particular quote thrown at me time and time again from ignorant people who fail to understand why I am the way I am. Now, I have a great tolerance against a great many things. I am not easily offended. But things like that really do set me off.
I have heard people tell me, in consolation, that I am just as normal as everyone else. "Everybody has problems". Unfortunately, that does nothing to help me in the least. Not everyone has my problems. I know for a fact that not everyone had trouble in school. School was a hellish nightmare for me, that IS an underexaggeration. I cannot bring myself to describe how horrible it really was.
Sure, almost every kid goes through school with hatred for it. But my feelings go far beyond hatred. It is the incidents that happened to me during my 12 year nightmare. I will share a couple of these incidents that I recently shared with my friend Mike; they are a few of my most traumatic ones.
I should start out by mentioning that I do not function very well(meaning at all) around unfriendly people. When I say I do not function, I am referring to locking up, or just walking away from whatever is causing me to not function.
I despise organized physical sports. I believe it is how people react to me when they think the execution is obvious and I do not. Phys Ed, for example, was my most hated cirriculum in school. The people; Teachers and students alike, drove me insane. In 4th grade there was a day that we started the basketball classes. I never played basketball before that point. The teacher and my peers assumed I knew how. When I asked how, they gave me a very poor rundown of it. I tried, decided I didn't like it, and walked away from it. The principle was called in who, summarily, told me to go to his office. I refused, seeing no need. Well, he dragged me, by my feet, out of the room while I clung to the edges of the doorway for dear life. I have feared and loathed P.E. from that day onward.
People wonder why my self-esteem is so low. My fellow peers cheer on the fat kid with head gear, and bulging eyes when he tries to make a basket and misses it entirely. But as soon as I step up, I get jeering. It doesn't help when the instructor stands by chuckling to himself.
I've had similar experiences in school later on, and eventually the school basically decided to label myself as a deviant. I was lobbed into the class with all the "bad" kids, which did not help in any way. I did not function in those classes either; I was surrounded by very unfriendly people. So what was their answer? They put me into the class with all of the down syndrome kids. Apparently, the teachers thought I was mentally retarded and figured I was accidentally put into the normal classes. Figures they didnt bother to inform me or my parents beforehand.
I know there are things wrong with me, but the school did absolutely nothing to facilitate or try to help out in any of those areas. In retrospect, they most likely made things worse.
The only good thing that ever happened to me in school was in 5th grade. End of the year, I had gotten a straight A report card. That was the first, last, and only good thing to ever happen during all 12 years of school.
Asperger's Syndrome has taken its toll on me. I feel many people believe that I use AS as a scapegoat to be they way that I am. I do NOT take advantage of my problems. For instance, I do not sit and home 24/7 because I want to, all the while saying that I have issues therefore I can't function like everyone else so I can just sit here and play games all day. If I could, I would most definitely not be sitting here every day all day for years. But at this point in time, I am mentally unprepared to do much else. It is not by choice, or the disillusion of choice.
So I suppose the only thing left to say is, the way you live your own life, or rather, the way you feel that I should live my own life is NOT necessarily the best way. Your opinions are, more often than not, based upon your own pseronal experiences that do not relfect upon my own experiences.
"If I were your parents, I would have kicked your ass out of the house at 19."
I only recently heard someone say that, but I have had that particular quote thrown at me time and time again from ignorant people who fail to understand why I am the way I am. Now, I have a great tolerance against a great many things. I am not easily offended. But things like that really do set me off.
I have heard people tell me, in consolation, that I am just as normal as everyone else. "Everybody has problems". Unfortunately, that does nothing to help me in the least. Not everyone has my problems. I know for a fact that not everyone had trouble in school. School was a hellish nightmare for me, that IS an underexaggeration. I cannot bring myself to describe how horrible it really was.
Sure, almost every kid goes through school with hatred for it. But my feelings go far beyond hatred. It is the incidents that happened to me during my 12 year nightmare. I will share a couple of these incidents that I recently shared with my friend Mike; they are a few of my most traumatic ones.
I should start out by mentioning that I do not function very well(meaning at all) around unfriendly people. When I say I do not function, I am referring to locking up, or just walking away from whatever is causing me to not function.
I despise organized physical sports. I believe it is how people react to me when they think the execution is obvious and I do not. Phys Ed, for example, was my most hated cirriculum in school. The people; Teachers and students alike, drove me insane. In 4th grade there was a day that we started the basketball classes. I never played basketball before that point. The teacher and my peers assumed I knew how. When I asked how, they gave me a very poor rundown of it. I tried, decided I didn't like it, and walked away from it. The principle was called in who, summarily, told me to go to his office. I refused, seeing no need. Well, he dragged me, by my feet, out of the room while I clung to the edges of the doorway for dear life. I have feared and loathed P.E. from that day onward.
People wonder why my self-esteem is so low. My fellow peers cheer on the fat kid with head gear, and bulging eyes when he tries to make a basket and misses it entirely. But as soon as I step up, I get jeering. It doesn't help when the instructor stands by chuckling to himself.
I've had similar experiences in school later on, and eventually the school basically decided to label myself as a deviant. I was lobbed into the class with all the "bad" kids, which did not help in any way. I did not function in those classes either; I was surrounded by very unfriendly people. So what was their answer? They put me into the class with all of the down syndrome kids. Apparently, the teachers thought I was mentally retarded and figured I was accidentally put into the normal classes. Figures they didnt bother to inform me or my parents beforehand.
I know there are things wrong with me, but the school did absolutely nothing to facilitate or try to help out in any of those areas. In retrospect, they most likely made things worse.
The only good thing that ever happened to me in school was in 5th grade. End of the year, I had gotten a straight A report card. That was the first, last, and only good thing to ever happen during all 12 years of school.
Asperger's Syndrome has taken its toll on me. I feel many people believe that I use AS as a scapegoat to be they way that I am. I do NOT take advantage of my problems. For instance, I do not sit and home 24/7 because I want to, all the while saying that I have issues therefore I can't function like everyone else so I can just sit here and play games all day. If I could, I would most definitely not be sitting here every day all day for years. But at this point in time, I am mentally unprepared to do much else. It is not by choice, or the disillusion of choice.
So I suppose the only thing left to say is, the way you live your own life, or rather, the way you feel that I should live my own life is NOT necessarily the best way. Your opinions are, more often than not, based upon your own pseronal experiences that do not relfect upon my own experiences.
Monday, October 2, 2006
It's affecting my spelling!
I saw her on the corner when I awoke one morning. She just appeared out of nowhere. Her skin was sleek and smooth. Her curves, perfect. I wondered who she was or when she arrived. But I knew... oh yes, I knew. I knew she was something special. And I knew she would be mine.
I walked outside to see if anyone else noticed her. I saw a man who looked like he knew something about her. I inquired about where she came from. He said he just dropped her off and she'll be ready in a few weeks. Ready, you say? Hmmmm. He went on to explain that she was the fastest thing you ever experienced. Ready and fast? Oooh, I was starting to like this one.
She stayed there all day, not making a sound. the only movement I saw was her sway from the occasional breeze that came through. Strands of her beautiful, glistening extensions seemed to almost wave in my direction, as if beckoning to come for a closer look. But I was apprehensive. What if I could not afford her goods? I would not want to get attached only to find my love could not be quenched.
I talked to the man once more. He mentioned how cheap she was to use. I knew then, she was within my grasp. Days went by, and I lust for her ever the more. I glanced out my window every 5 minutes it seemed. Becoming obsessive. I read of other peoples experiences with her, and I was excited. I couldn't bear it any longer. But I knew she wouldn't give herself to me until she was ready. I could plug in, but nary an emotion would be felt. None, besides sadness and despair of course.
And so I await the arrival of Fiber Optic Internet. My true love! Broadband is my prostitute. I will have her soon enough. Only $45 a month too! 15Mb down, 2Mb up. Hellz yeah.
I walked outside to see if anyone else noticed her. I saw a man who looked like he knew something about her. I inquired about where she came from. He said he just dropped her off and she'll be ready in a few weeks. Ready, you say? Hmmmm. He went on to explain that she was the fastest thing you ever experienced. Ready and fast? Oooh, I was starting to like this one.
She stayed there all day, not making a sound. the only movement I saw was her sway from the occasional breeze that came through. Strands of her beautiful, glistening extensions seemed to almost wave in my direction, as if beckoning to come for a closer look. But I was apprehensive. What if I could not afford her goods? I would not want to get attached only to find my love could not be quenched.
I talked to the man once more. He mentioned how cheap she was to use. I knew then, she was within my grasp. Days went by, and I lust for her ever the more. I glanced out my window every 5 minutes it seemed. Becoming obsessive. I read of other peoples experiences with her, and I was excited. I couldn't bear it any longer. But I knew she wouldn't give herself to me until she was ready. I could plug in, but nary an emotion would be felt. None, besides sadness and despair of course.
And so I await the arrival of Fiber Optic Internet. My true love! Broadband is my prostitute. I will have her soon enough. Only $45 a month too! 15Mb down, 2Mb up. Hellz yeah.
Saturday, September 9, 2006
Indescribable Verbiage
Superfluous imagination. A myriad of thoughts that come together to ultimately depict indescribable verbiage. A dream.
I awoke this morning, my thoughts provoked by my own subconscious reign in that black of night. What was so close felt so distant. As vivid as the sun itself, upon illumination was all but lost.
Who was that man? The hood, the glove, the sword; without a face. I shut my eyes trying to remember who he was. This dream; this myriad of thoughts, previously haunted my mind every night for 3 years. That was 2 and a half years ago. Why has it come back? The man. He was alone; was always alone. But in control.
As I said, it is indescribable. So vivid, yet so very distant. If I could not control my mind(if I were insane), I would almost believe what he told me. The same dream each night for 3 years. Who wouldn't believe it?
I would not even dare make mention of what he spoke of on this blog, to preserve my image as a 'sane' individual. =)
This blog is not public. I am only intending it for a select few. Please do not spread this around. Such verbiage is not meant for the general public =P
I awoke this morning, my thoughts provoked by my own subconscious reign in that black of night. What was so close felt so distant. As vivid as the sun itself, upon illumination was all but lost.
Who was that man? The hood, the glove, the sword; without a face. I shut my eyes trying to remember who he was. This dream; this myriad of thoughts, previously haunted my mind every night for 3 years. That was 2 and a half years ago. Why has it come back? The man. He was alone; was always alone. But in control.
As I said, it is indescribable. So vivid, yet so very distant. If I could not control my mind(if I were insane), I would almost believe what he told me. The same dream each night for 3 years. Who wouldn't believe it?
I would not even dare make mention of what he spoke of on this blog, to preserve my image as a 'sane' individual. =)
This blog is not public. I am only intending it for a select few. Please do not spread this around. Such verbiage is not meant for the general public =P
Saturday, August 12, 2006
One stale twinkie
Ok so this blog has nothing to do with the title. I couldn't think of a title so I typed in the first thing I saw on my desk after shaking my head back and forth with my eyes closed and opening my eyes randomly. .... Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.
Right. So. We're gonna talk about stuff today. Stuff you say? Now way! I know, crazy right? The prance-around-in-front-of-the-mirror-wearing-a-suit-of-womens-skin-and-singing kind of crazy. .... Or not. Maybe just Ted Stevens crazy. And man, Senator Stevens is one crazy sumbish, lemme tell ya. "The internet is a series of tubes!" He needs to be shot. Among other things, of course. Ok, I got a little side tracked there.
I don't think anyone regularly reads this blog so I could prolly say whatever I please. I find it quite amusing when I tell people I'm autistic after knowing them for awhile. Some people go bug-eyed at me, others get scared that they said, or will say something wrong to offend me, heh.. And the rare few that say "cool". I tell some friends after getting to know them and get responses like "you're joking right?" or "get outta heeere". Silly people.
Like I have as my quote: I have Rainman beat.No, I'm no savant. Though I've never taken an official I.Q. test, that I know of at least, I'm pretty sure it would be in the upper ranges. But, as I still believe, I.Q. tests... Hell, tests in general prove nothing. Well they do show some strengths but they should not be held in such high respect as they are. Tests are not an exact science. Ok, got side tracked again.
Hmm I am a bit too tired to type atm. I'll have to continue on into my personal experience with the mental condition another time. It's really interesting stuff. Even for myself. I analyze my condition from a 3rd person perspective a few times. But yeah. Until next time....
............................................................................!
Right. So. We're gonna talk about stuff today. Stuff you say? Now way! I know, crazy right? The prance-around-in-front-of-the-mirror-wearing-a-suit-of-womens-skin-and-singing kind of crazy. .... Or not. Maybe just Ted Stevens crazy. And man, Senator Stevens is one crazy sumbish, lemme tell ya. "The internet is a series of tubes!" He needs to be shot. Among other things, of course. Ok, I got a little side tracked there.
I don't think anyone regularly reads this blog so I could prolly say whatever I please. I find it quite amusing when I tell people I'm autistic after knowing them for awhile. Some people go bug-eyed at me, others get scared that they said, or will say something wrong to offend me, heh.. And the rare few that say "cool". I tell some friends after getting to know them and get responses like "you're joking right?" or "get outta heeere". Silly people.
Like I have as my quote: I have Rainman beat.No, I'm no savant. Though I've never taken an official I.Q. test, that I know of at least, I'm pretty sure it would be in the upper ranges. But, as I still believe, I.Q. tests... Hell, tests in general prove nothing. Well they do show some strengths but they should not be held in such high respect as they are. Tests are not an exact science. Ok, got side tracked again.
Hmm I am a bit too tired to type atm. I'll have to continue on into my personal experience with the mental condition another time. It's really interesting stuff. Even for myself. I analyze my condition from a 3rd person perspective a few times. But yeah. Until next time....
............................................................................!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tips for Hardcore CS Players
CS players are unique, mostly in negative ways of course. They CAN be really nice people...OFFLINE. As the internet F***wad theory states: Give a normal person anonimity and an audience... and you get the ever-ready-to-call-you-an-assclown smacktard. Thats just how it is. I have yet to meet in-game a friendly, polite player who respects you.
I'm not saying this doesn't happen in other games. It does. ALOT....BUT the majority of people who are CS players still go ranting and raving about how CS is the best game in the world and no other game will ever be like it. Its friggin annoying. Lemme tell ya. Everyone has their own preferences. Don't shove your own down other peoples throats. I mean sure i'm gonna tell you I hate CS, but i'm not gonna tell you to hate it as well.
TIPS FOR CS PLAYERS:
1) When you feel the need to tell the world that CS is the best game in the world and always will be.... please do not hesitate to shove a rubber ball in your mouth and mumble incoherently.
2) Be NICE for a change. just because you may act like a retard in-game doesn't mean you have to be that way in forums or in chat.
3) Get over the fact that CS is not the ONLY good game in the world. There are plenty others....try broadening your horizons sometime.
DISCLAIMER: This message isn't being directed at specific people. This is simply a message going out to the general CS community. I have played CS so don't go telling me I don't know what i'm talking about. I've been there.
I'm not saying this doesn't happen in other games. It does. ALOT....BUT the majority of people who are CS players still go ranting and raving about how CS is the best game in the world and no other game will ever be like it. Its friggin annoying. Lemme tell ya. Everyone has their own preferences. Don't shove your own down other peoples throats. I mean sure i'm gonna tell you I hate CS, but i'm not gonna tell you to hate it as well.
TIPS FOR CS PLAYERS:
1) When you feel the need to tell the world that CS is the best game in the world and always will be.... please do not hesitate to shove a rubber ball in your mouth and mumble incoherently.
2) Be NICE for a change. just because you may act like a retard in-game doesn't mean you have to be that way in forums or in chat.
3) Get over the fact that CS is not the ONLY good game in the world. There are plenty others....try broadening your horizons sometime.
DISCLAIMER: This message isn't being directed at specific people. This is simply a message going out to the general CS community. I have played CS so don't go telling me I don't know what i'm talking about. I've been there.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Blog bloggity bloggy blog
So I haven't posted a new blog in awhile. How bout that... But I don't know what to post about so I guess I'll just ramble on, pointlessly. You know... maybe I won't. Its easier for me to just refer you to my buddy mike's blogs:
Click Here Or You Shall Be Immolated
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