What I’ve come to realize...

This is something I wrote to my good friend, Ashley. I had to vent my mind to someone who would let me do so. I trust her. I felt it was a good thing to put up, if nothing else but just to keep record of what I said. So here goes...

There's a whole lot going through my head right now, and yet, there isn't. idk. Very uncomfortable.

I know things aren't as bad for me as I make them out to be. There are people much much worse off than I am.. But knowing that still doesn't help me feel any better. I still feel like shit, even tho I may be determined to get my life in order.

I've made many mistakes in my life. The point when I started playing EQ2 was definitely a fork in the road, and while sometimes it feels like a mistake, other times, I remember the friends I've made and wonder how on earth could that be a mistake.

I burned a lot of bridges with my RL friends when I started playing EQ2. I lost touch. Never wanted to hang out with them, and I do regret that. But at the same time, if I hadn't gone down the road I chose, I doubt I would have ended up with the friends I met online, which have been much tighter friends than any of the RL ones I've had.

So many things I wish I would have never done, but also brings good things to the table that makes me glad I did do them.

Like recent events. Part of me wishes I shouldn't have come back to EQ2.. But then if I hadn't, none of this would've happened. I was quite content at staying in my room doing nothing all day... which isn't healthy. This whole thing made me realize that I NEED to get off my ass and do something with my life. It gave me a superb boost of motivation.

I guess I'm starting to realize that with good, there is some bad that comes with it.

EQ2 was what brought me out of depression the first time. I guess it is fitting that I left it feeling depressed.

The choices that we make... end up making who we are. But at times, it isn't a matter of choice. I didn't chose to screw up a friendship. The winds of fate blew, and my little sailboat got caught in it's path. It did get knocked over, but in time I can get it upright and fix it up. (hmm that was a good metaphor.)

As I sit here typing, I begin to find myself not thinking about what I am typing, but rather letting it flow from my heart. Literature is a fluid. Good literature flows from the writer. You don't have to be a genius to produce profound writing. If you feel what you type comes from what you truly believe without a second thought at all, then you were meant to say it.

My undulating will to write at this point in time, puts my mind at ease.


***Edit: Chris pointed out to me that he thought I sounded upset here... In a way, yeah. When I wrote it, I was depressed. But immediately after I finished writing it, I felt clear-minded and very much relieved. And each consecutive time I read this, I feel better and better. If you need any more confirmation, look at the mood of this blog.  VERY optimistic!