Personal Rant

I sometimes feel that people do not understand me or even take me seriously when I tell them I have problems. It is unfortunate when they have to give me their personal view on how I should live or have lived my life. 

"If I were your parents, I would have kicked your ass out of the house at 19."

I only recently heard someone say that, but I have had that particular quote thrown at me time and time again from ignorant people who fail to understand why I am the way I am. Now, I have a great tolerance against a great many things. I am not easily offended. But things like that really do set me off.

I have heard people tell me, in consolation, that I am just as normal as everyone else. "Everybody has problems".  Unfortunately, that does nothing to help me in the least. Not everyone has my problems. I know for a fact that not everyone had trouble in school. School was a hellish nightmare for me, that IS an underexaggeration. I cannot bring myself to describe how horrible it really was.

Sure, almost every kid goes through school with hatred for it. But my feelings go far beyond hatred. It is the incidents that happened to me during my 12 year nightmare. I will share a couple of these incidents that I recently shared with my friend Mike; they are a few of my most traumatic ones.

I should start out by mentioning that I do not function very well(meaning at all) around unfriendly people. When I say I do not function, I am referring to locking up, or just walking away from whatever is causing me to not function.

I despise organized physical sports. I believe it is how people react to me when they think the execution is obvious and I do not. Phys Ed, for example, was my most hated cirriculum in school. The people; Teachers and students alike, drove me insane. In 4th grade there was a day that we started the  basketball classes. I never played basketball before that point. The teacher and my peers assumed I knew how. When I asked how, they gave me a  very poor rundown of it. I tried, decided I didn't like it, and walked away from it. The principle was called in who, summarily, told me to go to his office. I refused, seeing no need. Well, he dragged me, by my feet, out of the room while I clung to the edges of the doorway for dear life. I have feared and loathed P.E. from that day onward.

People wonder why my self-esteem is so low.  My fellow peers cheer on the fat kid with head gear, and bulging eyes when he tries to make a basket and misses it entirely. But as soon as I step up, I get jeering. It doesn't help when the instructor stands by chuckling to himself.

I've had similar experiences in school later on, and eventually the school basically decided to label myself as a deviant. I was lobbed into the class with all the "bad" kids, which did not help in any way. I did not function in those classes either; I was surrounded by very unfriendly people. So what was their answer? They put me into the class with all of the down syndrome kids. Apparently, the teachers thought I was mentally retarded and figured I was accidentally put into the normal classes. Figures they didnt bother to inform me or my parents beforehand.

I know there are things wrong with me, but the school did absolutely nothing to facilitate or try to help out in any of those areas. In retrospect, they most likely made things worse.

The only good thing that ever happened to me in school was in 5th grade. End of the year, I had gotten a straight A report card. That was the first, last, and only good thing to ever happen during all 12 years of school.

Asperger's Syndrome has taken its toll on me. I feel many people believe that I use AS as a scapegoat to be they way that I am. I do NOT take advantage of my problems. For instance, I do not sit and home 24/7 because I want to, all the while saying that I have issues therefore I can't function like everyone else so I can just sit here and play games all day. If I could, I would most definitely not be sitting here every day all day for years. But at this point in time, I am mentally unprepared to do much else. It is not by choice, or the disillusion of choice.

So I suppose the only thing left to say is, the way you live your own life, or rather, the way you feel that I should live my own life is NOT necessarily the best way. Your opinions are, more often than not, based upon your own pseronal experiences that do not relfect upon my own experiences.

It's affecting my spelling!

I saw her on the corner when I awoke one morning. She just appeared out of nowhere. Her skin was sleek and smooth. Her curves, perfect. I wondered who she was or when she arrived. But I knew... oh yes, I knew. I knew she was something special. And I knew she would be mine.

I walked outside to see if anyone else noticed her. I saw a man who looked like he knew something about her. I inquired about where she came from. He said he just dropped her off and she'll be ready in a few weeks. Ready, you say? Hmmmm. He went on to explain that she was the fastest thing you ever experienced. Ready and fast? Oooh, I was starting to like this one.

She stayed there all day, not making a sound. the only movement I saw was her sway from the occasional breeze that came through. Strands of her beautiful, glistening extensions seemed to almost wave in my direction, as if beckoning to come for a closer look. But I was apprehensive. What if I could not afford her goods?  I would not want to get attached only to find my love could not be quenched. 

I talked to the man once more. He mentioned how cheap she was to use. I knew then, she was within my grasp. Days went by, and I lust for her ever the more. I glanced out my window every 5 minutes it seemed. Becoming obsessive. I read of other peoples experiences with her, and I was excited. I couldn't bear it any longer. But I knew she wouldn't give herself to me until she was ready. I could plug in, but nary an emotion would be felt. None, besides sadness and despair of course.

And so I await the arrival of Fiber Optic Internet. My true love! Broadband is my prostitute. I will have her soon enough. Only $45 a month too! 15Mb down, 2Mb up. Hellz yeah.